caution! personal rants ahead!

15/12/23

i have never hated css more than i do now. why did it take like 5 days for it to work again?? why wasn't it working in the first place?? does css hate me? does it want me dead? i don't know. but at least now my background's been finally change. though i did just realise that the star theme might be a bit confusing cause my username is flowingleaves so you'd think i'd have like a nature theme or something. funnily enough, it's actually a reference to my irl name!

i have to wake up real early tommorow which i'm not really looking forward to. but i am looking forward to the reason i have to wake up early, i have my kickboxing grading! it's a shame that i have to start the belts all over again since i started at my new place but i'm still excited! and nervous! but hopefully mostly excited! i think that i'm ready for it but like i guess i'll never know til i do it right? wish me luck!

8/12/23

me when i disappear for 3 months: oopsie daisy!

school started and i immediately lost all motivation to do absolutely anything :( im in my last year now so its all work, work, work all the god damn time!! studying is exhausting but at this point im gonna end up living in the library lmao

15/8/23

only 2000ish words of writing but they take up 7 whole pages. the joys of funky formatting and multimedia fics, i suppose. i'm gonna drop dead if i have to figure out how one more social media site would translate into google docs. why do i do this to myself? i don't think there's even a demand for this kind of fic.

13/8/23

so i finally finished the jasmine throne by tasha suri like 2 days ago. and uh. fuck me, man. 5 stars, i loved that book so much!! it took me from may to august to get half way through it but it literally took me a week to read the second half. i love the politics and the worldbuilding and the characters and just everything!!! the romance felt a bit off to me but i did enjoy still. this book was like two of my least read genres, fantasy and romance, but damn do adore it. i actually pirated it but the second i finished reading it, i pulled up kennys and ordered it and the oleander sword. literally, the second i finished. that's how much i loved it!!

other good news this week, its been a good week, is that i got a binder! its a spectrum outfitters one, just a typical beige, and its really good! like its not perfect, i can never get myself perfectly flat but it is better than not binding yknow. even if it is really frustrating and i keep trying to adjust it to be flatter even though i know that i can't get flatter cause i can't just make boob flesh disappear. but yeah! binder! i'm really happy with mine. i'm trying to get used to wearing it cause obviously it feels uncomfortable at first but i should be good in time for school starting later this month. wearing it everyday might be a pain but it's a pain i'm willing to suffer.

worse news: my birth control pills ended day before last and while i haven't started bleeding yet, i am so fucking hormonal right now. like i would love to not snap and get pissed at every single thing and not feel like crying but unfortunately my body hates me. and we had guests today and i wanted to sit with everyone so i couldn't even just lock myself in my room to avoid being a cunt. i tried my best to shut up and not bother anyone but i did,,,,,have a moment. i guess. whoops. >:(

8/8/23

some kitty pictures of my darling lucy! she's very old, tired, and attention-seeking, but i love her anyway! ♡

2/8/23

so i got a chromebook a couple weeks back for my birthday from a friend of mine, right? and like i love using it, it's pretty useful and gets me out of my room more since i can just bring it with me downstairs or whatever. however. it's a chromebook so it only uses chrome for browsing. which is sooo annoying to me because i am a dedicated firefox user on every. single. other. device. which means that like none of my bookmarks or anything carry over onto my chromebook, not to mention that chrome just sucks ass in general. ugh. i'll get used to it but i won't be happy about it.

here's a nice poem i like!

'The Peace of Wild Things' by Wendell Berry

When despair for the world grows in me

and I wake in the night at the least sound

in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,

I go and lie down where the wood drake

rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.

I come into the peace of wild things

who do not tax their lives with forethought

of grief. I come into the presence of still water.

And I feel above me the day-blind stars

waiting with their light. For a time

I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

1/8/23

family's back!! and they brought gifts!! i am now the proud owner of these really cute lava rock bracelets and a very comfy new hoodie, as well as many nice rocks from the aegean sea! having them back is a bit tiring, so much to do, so much to talk aboout, all that jazz, but it's also nice for the house to have noise and stuff again. it feels so much less empty now :) it'll be a bit of an adjustment but it'll be okay.

29/7/23

okay so maybe i was exaggerating last night. i was fine actually, it was just midnight and i hadn't slept enough. today was fucking fantastic. nothing like a ferry ride and a hike to really cleanse the soul and fix all of my problems at once. note to self: never trust your feelings once it turns dark.

28/7/23

my parents and brother are coming home from their holiday soon. after being home alone for 2 weeks i should be excited, right? but i haven't been missing them at all and the thought of having to share the house again makes me so anxious. i want to scrub the house of my existence. why do i feel like this? why can't things just make sense. i'm thinking maybe i've just hung out with too many people recently and that's why i feel like this but i don't know. it's not like i can do anything about that now. i've already got plans tommorow no matter how drained i am. i wish i could be happy about tommorow. my sister is taking me hiking! i fucking love hiking! i love my sister! this is literally meant to be a treat (that i picked out!) for my birthday! but nooooo i have to be exhausted. i don't want to be ungrateful, i really want to do this but my brain is making everything impossible right now. there's just too mnay people. i'll go to sleep earlier tonight and see if that helps. i'm not sure if it will but what can you do. hopefully i can snag at least one more day to myself before my family gets home. perks of being an introvert, i guess :/