but i fear it's not a dream and you'll be swallowed in its darkness

originally posted: 6th december 2022

fandom(s): minecraft, life smp series

characters: grian, goodtimeswithscar, mentioned bdoubleo100, mentioned ghosts of all their dead friends!

relationships: grian/goodtimeswithscar, grian & goodtimeswithscar

additional notes: major character death, canon-typical violence, canon-typical suicide (sorry), canon-typical behaviour, canon compliant (don't read if you don't like the canon 3rd life ending), violence, blood and injury, character death, character study (of a kind), being really gay about you ally, poetic (ish), yes beta we live on like bloodthirsty ghosts, pov second person (thank you to open water by caleb azumah nelson for making me obsessed with 2nd pov)

summary: He kneels in the water before you and tells you to kill him.

You don’t. Not now. (not when he’s on his knees, when he’s looking at you like that)

finished, 1/1 chapters, word count: 1,249

He kneels in the water before you and tells you to kill him.

You don’t. Not now. (not when he’s on his knees, when he’s looking at you like that) You don’t know why you were ever furious enough to even consider such an act, but now that you have the opportunity you don’t think you’d be able to kill him without killing every important part of yourself in the process.

You called him a traitor, but after swearing your life to him, would killing him now not be a betrayal all on its own? Isn’t this coward’s play, putting a sword through the stomach of a man on his knees? BDubs’ corpse lies still and warm on the edge of the pond you’ve found yourselves in; blood leaking in, spiralling towards both of you like diluted dye. You can still see how he turned on him for you the second you arrived and looking at him now, despite the red, (blood and water and eyes) you can’t help but still be loyal.

You push him away. Pull yourself together. That’s how it always is with you two. Push and pull and push and pull over and over and over again. Yet, it is always you two, no matter the war, the anger, the hurt, it’s always you two. If you were a weaker man, you would call it love.

However, you are not a weak man (yet). So you pull back. Climb onto the shore, kick the cooling body of someone you once called ‘friend’ aside, and offer him a hand up. He doesn’t take it. (he’s not a weak man either)

You can hear them now, can’t you? Souls or ghosts or perhaps your own inner wants. They call and shriek, voice overlapping voice, a seemingly endless cacophony of brutal noise. You won’t be able to resist; don’t truly want to because you are loyal and merciful but you are, above all else, a master of self-preservation. There’s a reason you’ve made it this far. The nature of your situation settles like a fire at the bottom of your stomach, dragging you down, burning you up. You can tell that he knows the truth too.

He’s the one to suggest the duel on the mountain top but you don’t dare disagree. Neither do the spectators. (they want blood, you wish to die at home) You throw your things to the side, a ring of cactus prepared, and you don't dare hesitate to step inside. He burns the banner to make a point, you stare at him to wonder if there is one.

You stand there, for a minute, two. Empty platitudes steady on your tongue. Is this what it feels like to care, you wonder. Is this all that care is? Hurting others -yourself, the world- so that the one you care for can still smile like he does. Is care the burn? The smoke? The clang of swords and the bite of wolves? You stand there and wish this wasn't so complicated. (you stand there and wish you could tell him) There’s a deadly violence to this complex dance you two do. You want time to stop, the voices to stop, you want to preserve this moment for the rest of your life because after all this time of acting like you two were the only important people in the world, you are finally the only people in the world and you wish, you hope, you pray that you won’t have to do what is expected -required, demanded- of you.

Time does not stop. The voices don’t stop. You must step forward and do your duty. The burn of an unaccomplished task settles in your bones, is this what he felt like the entire time he was red? You don’t want to know the answer. (you are afraid of what the truth might reveal)

The exit burns and the audience counts and you lunge.

You are, above all else, a master of self-preservation.

It’s a blur of swings and leaps and a sinking dread that his aim is not as good as yours. You wish he was better. You wish you were worse. You wish this wasn’t how it ended. You wish you could stop laughing like this is some kind of joke.

As you win, you beg for forgiveness. He responds in kind. (neither of you are forgiven, but you are similar) As you slam his head on the white rocks of the desert, you turn them a shade of garnet that you don’t want to find as pretty as you do.

Yet, you win. You push yourself up. You pull yourself together. When you stand over his corpse, both of you bruised and beaten, you wonder if it was destiny that did this. First and last, you laugh again, first and last. Watching the blood drain from him, his body, shouldn’t be as beautiful as it is. Rust-coloured flower petals, dripping slowly down the cliffside, it almost feels surreal. A painting.

You don’t feel good. Or, at least, you shouldn’t. The burning red violence shimmers under your skin, purring pleasantly at the sight before you, even as you attempt not to vomit. You’re transfixed, obsessed, in love, with the scene. You hate that you are, you loathe the way you wish to linger longer yet despise the way you wish to abandon him so soon.

One more life, the vengeful voices crow, one more life to go.

You tear your eyes away, avert them with all the hesitation of someone who is unable to let go of the past, who it burns to leave behind love.

You could even say that it scars you to leave Scar behind. Funny, isn't it? You think he would appreciate a joke like that, Scar would.

Scar. Your Scar. The man you swore your life to, the one you promised to guard with your own lives. Crumpled on the ground beneath your feet, dead at your hands. You stumble back, nearly fall. When did you get so shaky?

One life left, the impatient voices shriek, one life left to take.

You can barely think, barely breathe. You killed him like you killed so many others. You felt pride then, why must the guilt creep up your throat now?

You stagger up to the makeshift grave. Lean on it. Tears prick at your eyes, though you won’t let yourself cry. Why cry during your victory, your celebration, your last day alive? Isn't this what you wanted since the beginning? When did you get that attached -he was meant to be a means to an end- yet here you are crying over someone you only knew for a handful of weeks. Pathetic, you think, to crave someone's company as much as you did his. Loyalty you gave to him, loyalty he breathed into you, loyalty he carved into your skin, your flesh, your bones. You will never be able to live without him, you realise, far too late. What is a knight without a lord, but a husk of a person.

Only one to go, the sly voices remind, only one to go till freedom.

You push yourself up. Pull yourself together.

Maybe you'll see him again.

Step forward to the edge.

Even if you don't, you at least won't have to go on without him.

Let yourself fall.

Peace at last, the victorious voices mutter, finally some peace.

(he greets you when you wake, smiling)

(maybe you are weak.)

original author's end notes: hey there! been over a year since i posted last but oh well

thank you to Trees1500, my dear friend and the editor for this fic! your compliments make me blush and im so happy you liked this! everyone should go check out his writing!!

title from the haunted phonograph!

fun fact: i wrote this at 11pm last night and im posting it while mitching class. good times, every time someone moves outside this classroom i panic.

happy holidays everyone! i probably won't post anything closer to typical holiday times so im saying it now!

thank you for reading! please comment, kudos, etc! id love to hear what your thoughts are about this fic! i wrote this cause i was feeling very absolutely normals about desert duo, so i hope i made you feel some very normal emotions about them too!

have a nice day!!